TikTok Saved Me

TikTok is an immense waste of my time. Except when it’s not.

I can’t even estimate the number of hours I have spent mindlessly scrolling videos until way past my bedtime. Sometimes it’s just easier to dissociate via snippets than it is to commit to binge watching a show on Netflix. Just the selection process alone is daunting. Then comes the concentrating. And the characters. And the plot line. It’s just too much.

I numb my mind with frolicking dogs, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, and swearing children. And occasionally...very, very occasionally, I stumble across a video that resonates. One video, in particular, quite literally saved my life.

Remember way back in May when I talked about perimenopause? I introduced you to Dr. Mary Claire Haver, an OBGYN who specializes in treating perimenopause and menopause. She is the reason I began hormone replacement therapy (HRT). She is also the reason I adjusted my HRT last month.

I was traveling for work in mid-November, lying in a hotel bed, late at night, when Dr. Haver posted a video regarding a hot-off-the-press article from Cambridge University Press entitled “Severe Mental Illness and the Perimenopause.”

The article presents an in-depth analysis of the psychological changes that take place due to decreasing and fluctuating levels of estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone in perimenopausal women. The authors discuss the profound impacts that estrogen has on our brains as it fluctuates and declines, and that these changes affect the levels of neurotransmitters in our brains. This can result in the worsening of existing mental disorders and the onset of new mental disorders. In Britain, the most common age range for women to die by suicide is from age 45 to age 49. Researchers believe this is related to untreated or poorly treated mental disorders in perimenopause, mostly related to the fact that SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor medications like Prozac, Zoloft, and my personal favorite, Lexapro) become less effective. When this happens, the first line of treatment should be estrogen therapy.

Whoa.

I contacted my HRT provider and he increased my estrogen dose. Three weeks later, I was a different girl. It started slowly. I needed fewer naps. I needed more food. I began to laugh. And greet strangers. And notice sunshine on my face. And dance to background music. And decorate for Christmas. And care about things that used to matter. And feel my inner fire.

And yet, I feel frustrated.

Relieved…but also frustrated.

I spent five months in complete despair. My depression clouded every single aspect of my life. It affected all of my relationships. It affected my work. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I couldn’t find the words I needed during conversations. I lost motivation. I didn’t care about anything.

Then fucking social media came along and solved my problems. In three weeks.

What if my TikTok algorithm had been slightly different? I may have never learned about the article that saved me. I think today that I’ll settle for gratitude, though. I did find the article. I did get better. And now I will shout my story from the rooftops. ❤