Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
In a past blog, I wrote that my blog posting truancy typically means that I’m mentally in a settled place. Historically, I have used this space to unpack the maelstrom of thoughts and feelings contained by my skull. I have always processed best by writing. It was my preferred way of studying back in the day. I would copy notes and copy notes and copy notes. Somehow, information would just stick where it needed to stick. When my headspace is calm, the waters are easier to navigate and I don’t gravitate towards my laptop.
My most recent absence, however, is due to an extraordinary burst of depression. The worst of it took place in September. I’m starting to work my way out now. If I’m being honest, I’d speculate that it started in June. I refer to this episode as a burst because the realization that I was depressed hit my like a flash of sunshine bursting through the clouds. Or, more accurately, like a can of cinnamon rolls bursting open in my hands. That scares me every time, by the way. After months of going through the motions of life, I woke up one day and realized I was barely hanging on. I was miserable. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Or leave my house. Or eat. Or do literally anything other than be left alone in silence while the tears leaked from my eyes.
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
As luck would have it, I had a bi-weekly therapy appointment that day. I cried for an hour straight. By the end, the skin around my eyes and nose were raw from the cheap Trader Joe’s tissues sitting on my desk. But I had a plan.
Dawn and I scheduled some additional therapy appointments so we could talk weekly for awhile.
I would lean in to my depression. I wouldn’t try to distract myself from my feelings, or hide them from others. There is no shame in mental illness.
I would remove everything from my plate that wasn’t A) necessary for the care of my family, B) absolutely essential at work, and C) self-care.
I would speak to my PCP about adding a medication booster to my Lexapro, which was already at its maximum prescribing dose.
That day, I finally returned a phone call to my parents, who had been leaving me messages expressing concern. I finally texted my bestie back, after she had been texting me for days (maybe weeks?) expressing concern. And I finally came clean to a coworker who had been expressing concern. As it turns out, I wasn’t hiding from anyone.
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
I took a break from exercising at 5:45am so I could sleep for an extra hour instead. I stopped worrying about cooking a scratch dinner, and began relying more heavily on the Trader Joe’s freezer section to feed my family. I began expecting my family members to pitch in with domestic labor. There’s a list on a refrigerator door that reminds them of things they should do around the house. I made a decision to skip holiday cards this year. I started cold plunging every morning, and I cannot believe its positive impact on my moods. It literally blows my mind, and has eliminated the need to adjust my meds. I punted the weekly monitoring of Max’s school assignments to his IEP case manager. I stopped asking Luke to wear clothes when he’s home. It’s a losing battle. I started listening to Glennon, Abby, and Sister again. Their podcasts can be heavy, but they force me to think about big things. And set boundaries. And prioritize what I actually care about. And right this very minute, as I live and breathe, I am contemplating my next moves professionally. For the first time in months, I feel optimistic.
It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
Have you ever heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”? Essentially, the saying means that in order for us as humans to effectively take care of others, we must first take care of ourselves. Well, I’m here to tell you that you CAN actually pour from an empty cup. That’s because a cup is the wrong metaphor. A more accurate representation is a bank account. You can overdraw and overdraw and overdraw. The only way to get back in the black is deep emotional work. Self-care. And boundaries. Let me tell you, it’s not fucking easy and it’s not fucking quick. Amazon Prime has left the building.
At the end of the day, each of us possesses a finite amount of energy available to share with the world. When we choose to expend energy on hiding our true selves, soul-sucking activities, people who treat us unkindly, and toxic systems that have no idea that they are, in fact, toxic, we have little energy left to expend on the activities and people we love. Our energy, our time, our love…they are our most precious resources. Use them wisely, friends.
