My Vagina Is Already Radiant, Thank You
Hey, there. Today I’m talking tampons.
If you are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman speaking candidly about the female anatomy and its functions, then look away. Pick up a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves. Read it from cover to cover. Ask yourself why this topic is sensitive for you. Then ponder your general existence. If not for a woman and the awesomeness of her magnificent body, you would not be alive.
Moving on.
This morning, while placing my Hannaford grocery delivery order, I saw that tampons were written on my list. I used the search function and typed in “tampons.” 75 results. I narrowed my search to my preferred brand, Tampax. 38 results. There are sizing options of Lite, Regular, Super, Super Plus, and Ultra. I weeded through some of the choices, using flow as my guide. But then it got fun - a virtual choose-my-own adventure! I got to filter by my individual style choices and/or personal values to direct me to my holy grail of tampons.
Scented or unscented.
Pocket size or whatever the opposite of pocket size is. Full size?!
Organic or, um, filled with pesticides?!
There’s the OG variety with cardboard applicators.
There’s Tampax Pearl.
And finally, there’s the kind I buy, but am a little embarrassed to mention out loud. My vagina is partial to Tampax Radiant.
You read that correctly. TAMPAX RADIANT! Even my vagina is taking social cues that my body needs to be improved. I might have grey hair and stretch marks, and need glasses to see clearly, but damn it, MY VAGINA IS FUCKING RADIANT.
This is ridiculous.
Tampons, pads, menstrual cups, and period underwear all fall under the marketing classification of feminine hygiene products. “Feminine,” in this case, is code for “taming a vagina.” So, we’re talking about hygiene products that tame vaginas. As dictionary.com tells us, the definition of “tame” is:
changed from the wild or savage state; domesticated
without the savageness or fear of humans normal in wild animals
tractable, docile, or submissive, as a person or the disposition
So, with the help of Tampax Radiant, my radiant vagina is now domesticated, without savageness, and submissive. Finally.
Silliness aside, this is a multi-layered problem for me. Here’s why:
The term “feminine hygiene” is bullshit. It implies that vaginas are messy and need to be improved upon with products intended to freshen it or contain it. Since you have read Our Bodies, Ourselves by now, you know that vaginas are self-cleaning and don’t need most of that garbage.
The existence of scented tampons is bullshit. Those mother fuckers go inside my body. Why do they need to be scented? Literally no one can smell them.
Pocket size tampons are bullshit. The thinking here is that since pocket size tampons can fit in your, wait for it…pocket, they are easier to hide. This suggests that tampons should be hidden because no one should ever know that you need them.
Pretending that periods don’t exist, when they are, in actuality, the basis for life, is bullshit. As I indicated at the beginning of this blog, if female bodies didn’t menstruate, you wouldn’t be here, dear reader, and neither would I.
Men not understanding periods is bullshit. We are not doing our sons any favors by avoiding conversations about women’s bodies. When we choose not to educate them explicitly with factual information, we are allowing them to be susceptible to implicit messages that suggest women’s bodies are gross, should be hidden, and are not worth discussing.
And finally, I bring you the grand finale. Pretending my period doesn’t make me feel awful is bullshit. In the five days leading up to starting my cycle, I am exhausted and irritable and so, so sad. Like, worried about the polar bears sad. (FLO Vitamins have helped this tremendously, but still.) My lower back aches. I need all the carbohydrates. Then, when I am blessed with the start of the main event, I am punched in the gut with debilitating cramps and nausea for two days. Oh, and I am so bloated that literally the only pants that fit me are sweat pants.
Phew. That about covers it for today. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk…
…now please excuse me while I stock up on Gummy Twin Snakes, Doritos, Caffeine Free Diet Coke, and prescription ibuprofen. I’ll be available for fun in 5-7 days.
