It’s Not My Job to Protect Against Wolf Spiders
I saw a post on Facebook recently that read, “Parenting is somehow protecting your kids from the giant wolf spider in the house without letting them know you’re terrified of the giant wolf spider in the house.” So naturally I had to Google wolf spiders to assess whether this is something that needs to be on my radar, or if it’s a parenting worry for other biomes, like Florida, where all the weird shit happens.
Here’s what I found. Wolf spiders look fucking terrifying. They can grow up to two inches long and have three sets of eyes. They don’t spin webs, but rather catch their prey by running super fast. All of this makes sense when you realize they carry their babies at all times. Mama is always watching and she will put the kibosh on your shenanigans. SO DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! Sound familiar? Their bites are painful, but their venom is not poisonous. However, if you happen to be allergic to said venom, you can get really sick - headache, dizziness, rash, sweating, nausea or vomiting, fever, weakness, uncontrollable shaking, and trouble breathing. Oh! And they do inhabit the Granite State.
Now that I know my kids won’t die from a wolf spider bite, I can safely remove it from the list of worries I keep stored away in my brain (only to review when I am already feeling extraordinarily anxious about something else, leading to a complete spiral and eventual collapse into bed to watch Couple’s Retreat for the 1,000th time). Further, now that I know they won’t die from a spider bite, I’m wondering if it is really my job to protect them from wolf spiders, like, ever? Before you freak out and call child protective services on me, here’s what I’m thinking. What if the idea of wolf spiders is a metaphor for the challenges our kids may face? [Insert mind blown emoji here.]
So, is it my job to protect my kids from life’s challenges? I think not.
I recently discovered Dr. Becky and her groundbreaking parenting approach “Good Inside.” I love her Instagram feed, where she offers quit snippets of her philosophies, backed by her own experiences. This really resonated:
Let’s replace the idea of protecting our kids from hard truths and hard feelings with PREPARING our kids from hard truths and hard feelings. Why? Well let’s look forward to our kids’ adulthood…
My parents stepped in so fast and I was always ‘protected’ from the tough moments in life… and as a result, I was totally unprepared for hard things in adulthood…We can’t build coping skills for feelings and experiences we haven’t gone through.
She talks about replacing “I want to protect my child from tough feelings” with “I want to prepare my child for tough feelings.” Life is hard, man. There is no way around it. I think there is an expectation that human beings should feel happy all the time, but that isn’t reality. As parents, it is our responsibility to lean into the discomfort and show our kids that they can, too.
In my previous blog post, Normalizing Conversations about Mental Health, I discussed a conversation with my oldest son about my depression and anxiety and how he had no idea about that part of my life. Being honest with our kids about our emotional struggles (in an age-appropriate way) illustrates some important ideas:
Kids observe that it is “normal” for parents to experience a range of emotions. Kids learn it is “normal” for their own selves to experience a range of emotions.
Kids observe parents working through their own emotions. Kids learn that emotions are temporary and that parents can help their kids work through the tough spots.
Kids observe parents overcoming challenges. Kids learn they can overcome challenges, too.
We, as parents, need to model (mostly) appropriate behavior for our kids in order to help them develop the skills they need to become healthy, well-rounded, responsible adults. Sometimes, the only way to do that is by letting them fight off their own wolf spiders.
**Disclaimer: This approach is a work-in-progress. I am, by no means, pretending to be a parenting expert, implying that I have mastered any of this, or offering instruction to others. I am a mess today, will be a mess tomorrow, and will continue to embrace my messiness every day for the foreseeable future.
