I’m Bossy
When I post my blogs to Facebook, I’m accustomed to at least a few quick reactions and comments. That didn’t happen on Tuesday. My inner critic immediately rolled out of bed, wiped the sleep from her eyes, and whispered, “Well, shit.” Then she proceeded to tell me for the 57,464,615,625,585th time in my life that I’m just too much for the world to handle.
The blog went live around 3:30pm, right before I closed my computer and rushed to pick up Nelly from doggy daycare then to preschool to grab Luke. I got home just after 4 and checked Facebook again. There were a couple of comments, but still not what I was hoping to see.
You made a mistake when you created this blog.
Your writing sucks.
You sounded too angry.
Your language is offensive.
YOU’RE TOO MUCH.
Then, like in the graphic novels Max loves to read, an idea bubble appeared. I posted the blog at the wrong time of day! I know better than that. I have managed social media accounts at work for years, and I know that the highest rates of readership take place mid-day on work days (but not Mondays) when people are procrastinating or eating lunch. People are not wasting time at the end of the day. They are returning the last of their emails and transitioning to the next phases of their days. They are not perusing Facebook and they are certainly not immersing themselves in the brain shrapnel I just scattered across their devices.
A few hours later, I checked Facebook again. Responses! Comments! Private messages! Relief. Two things:
Why did I seek external validation for a piece of writing I knew was good?
Why was I so quick to assume that I did something wrong? Or that something is wrong with me?
Well, I suppose it stems from the idea that since I was a young thing, the world told me implicitly that girls and women are supposed to be a certain way. I referenced this in my Let It Go blog a couple weeks back.
Composed.
Nice.
Sweet.
Nurturing.
Supportive.
Accommodating.
Pretty.
Thin.
Pleasant.
Peaceful.
Satisfied.
Reserved.
Agreeable.
But like, what if I don’t want to squish myself into that confining role? What if I’m more evil step sister than Cinderella? Do I even want to force my foot into the glass slipper? I don’t really need a prince to save me, after all. I am pretty capable of saving myself.
A few years ago, I read this quote by Cheryl Sandberg, former COO of Facebook:
“I want every little girl who’s told she’s bossy, to be told instead she has strong leadership skills.”
But what’s wrong with being bossy? My girl, Kelis, certainly has no issue with it.
I'm bossy
I'm the first girl to scream on a track
I switched up the beat of the drum
That's right I brought all the boys to the yard
And that's right, I'm the one that's tattooed on his arm
I'm bossy
I'm the bitch ya'll love to hate
I'm the chick that's raised the stake
I told young stunna he should switch debate
I'm back with an 808 'cause I'm bossy
I don’t have an issue with it, either. I’m bossy, too, Kelis! But like, Glenda the Good Witch of Bossy. I’m fighting the good fight against injustice, lost productivity, and wicked witches wearing rad ruby slippers. If a prince did try to save me, I would probably offer pointers on how he could do so more efficiently.
(Side note: What’s with all the magical slippers, dudes? Jeez.)
Why can’t I be bossy and smart and funny and driven and successful and outspoken and as many other things as I want to be? Well, I can, I guess. And I am. And 99% of the time I even feel okay about it. But that doesn’t get to my point. Here is the better question:
Why can’t I be bossy and smart and funny and driven and successful and outspoken and as many other things as I want to be WHILE ALSO FEELING CONFIDENT ABOUT MYSELF? How do I get to a place where I stop second-guessing myself? And doubting my choices? I direct multiple projects at work, help run a business, and manage my family. I am good at all those things. Like, really good. Many, many people seek out my guidance on a daily basis. If other people are comfortable formulating decisions based on what I tell them, what is my fucking problem?! Why can’t I feel comfortable listening to myself and be better at telling my inner critic to shut the fuck up?!
There’s no witty closing here, friends. I’m actually asking. What has worked for you? How do you begin trusting yourself more completely? Please tell me about it on Facebook so I can stop talking about saving myself and actually do it.
