The CNN Ticker

Yesterday was International Women’s Day. My college roommate, Elizabeth, an ER nurse, with a penchant for running and travel and sprinkling kindness everywhere, randomly texted me the most lovely words, just when I needed to hear them most.

Your wit. Your brilliant mind. Your commitment to being authentically YOU. Your honesty - with yourself and with others. For realizing rest & ease is just as important (if not more so) as crushing goals when it comes to growing as humans.

To know you is a true gift.

I was lying in bed, wiped out. I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. I feel like a personal assistant. Elizabeth’s text to me was a reminder of who the fuck I am. I am committed to being authentically me and to being completely honest with the world. So world, here’s a chronic struggle I’d like to share.

My to-do list is so extensive that I probably can’t even list all of the items that belong there. And I know with 100% certainty that I am not the only mother who feels this way. Glennon and Sister spent an entire podcast episode discussing this exact thing way back in June. It’s a one-hour summary of how I have been feeling.

It’s like a CNN ticker. That’s like tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Here’s all the things you should be doing right now. And while you’re doing those, please do all these other things. And by the way, you need to call the kids’ therapist. And by the way, have you worked on the 504 plan? And ask your neighbor if she can get you on that one soccer team for the kid and there’s all the kid lists, then there’s the work list. Then there’s the home list and there’s that. And it’s like all of the things that come together to architect a life, it feels like those are happening through my head all day long.

Here’s my to-do list:

Medical, dental, orthodontic, and COVID test appointments for kids. Monitor Max’s Adderall supply. Figure out the best way to pay for Adderall every month since our insurance decided not to cover that prescription anymore. Create child care plans when a kid is sick. Nurse sick kids (and husband) back to health. Work with Max’s educational team to create an effective IEP and track his progress. Support Max with his school work in ways that align with his learning needs. Sit with Max while he completes his math homework (and dust off some nary used math skills in the process). Nag Max to read. Make sure Max isn’t the smelly kid at school. By the way, how is that rash on his face from when he had to wear a mask all the time? Buy last minute supplies for special events at school. How is Max’s anxiety? Does he need a therapist or is the guidance counselor’s help enough? Be sure the boys have clothes and shoes that fit them. And where did that blue mitten go? Limit screen time. Replenish gum supply in Max’s backpack. Monitor Max’s chore chart and pay out allowance money. Pack lunches and snacks. Buy gifts for kid birthday parties. Planning for play dates and teacher workshop days. Christmas shopping. Easter shopping. Halloween costume planning. Grocery shop. Meal planning. Cook dinner. Tidy kitchen and wash dishes after dinner. When was the last time I swapped out that sponge? Clean the house every.single.day. Coordinate with cleaning company for our house scrub every other week (mostly of floors and pee-covered surfaces in bathrooms). Schedule carpet and window cleaners every six months. Wash laundry. Fold laundry. Call appliance repair people when something breaks down at exactly the wrong time. Plan vacations to perfectly align with school vacation and preschool closure weeks. Connect with Luke’s teachers daily about behavior and potty training needs. Complete Luke’s developmental assessments for school. Keep track of what outerwear Luke should have in his school bag depending on the weather. Do we have diapers and wipes? Do I have diapers and wipes in my purse? And snacks in the car, just in case? Remember trash day is Wednesday. Drop off recycling. Register Max for sports. Track Max’s sports schedule. Figure out how Max will get to practices and games in consideration of Luke’s sleep schedule. What is the plan for Max’s summer vacation? Veterinary appointments for dogs. Buy dog food. Buy Heartgard and Frontline. Schedule doggy daycare. Schedule grooming appointments. Manage household budget. Pay bills. Deal with personal taxes. Meet with financial planner to handle retirement and college savings accounts. Know where every item in my house is at all times. Self-care? Spend quality time with my kids. Find time and energy to connect with my husband at the of the day. Oh, and add in the full-time job I actually get paid to do.

As Microsoft Project would tell me, my resources are over allocated.

Is this what we signed up for? And is that just inherent in being a mom?…I’m thinking of a job description. I’m thinking of if motherhood was actually a job description, what you would see you are signing up for? If you are signing up for a heterosexual marriage, with children, as a mother, your job description includes the following: you are 10 times more likely than male partners to bear the burden of the childcare. The senior care, the chores, the scheduling of your children, the home management, the school volunteering, the staying home when the kids get sick. Your job description includes more per week, 10 more hours of housework, and six more hours of childcare than your male partner. You are twice as likely to manage the entire household. And three times as likely to manage the kids’ schedules, that’s your job description. Want to sign up, want this job? So that’s literally part of the gig, but we have not, as a society, described it that way, it’s just you walk into it. It becomes that gig. And you say, I’m having trouble managing the weight of this gig. In addition, by the way, to the fact that I am working just as many hours, if not more, on my paid work outside of the home…You are not struggling because you are doing something wrong. You are struggling because structurally the way this gig is set up is horseshit.

After digesting these words, my first thought is that I’m grateful I don’t have a daughter. It would break my heart to watch my child enter into this life of unmanageable expectations. My second thought is this: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY I AM RAISING SONS THAT BUY INTO THIS HORSESHIT SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. Then, because I live in a constant state of self-analysis, I can’t help but wonder how I got this all so wrong. I am a strong, assertive, outspoken feminist. I believe boys can wear pink. I think gender roles are ridiculous. How did all of this end up on my plate? How did I essentially become a stay-at-home mom/housewife with a full-time job? It just kind of happened. But now that it is what it is, how do I make it unhappen?

What do you think? How does all of this work in your family? Did you take the bull by the horns and reallocate household responsibilities? Did it work? Email me at kim@stinkbugtales.com.

♥