Puberty 2.0
When I was a student in public school, I was required to participate in health classes during grades 5, 6, 7, 8, and 10. The level of detail increased with the grade level so that content presented in grade 5 was much simpler than that presented in grade 10. Year after year, class after class, I was taught about puberty. I knew that my body would change, and would continue to change, until adulthood.
I knew to expect a monthly period. And acne. And hair in new places. Boobs. Wider hips. Mood swings. Sweating. I knew that once I began menstruating, it was possible to become pregnant. That’s where the lessons stopped.
Somewhere along the way, I gleaned that eventually, my body would stop having periods. Then I couldn’t get pregnant. And that I would be in menopause.
You know what no one ever taught me about? Perimenopause. No one taught Microsoft about it, either, because my spell-check is going bananas over the word. I didn’t know perimenopause was a thing until I created a TikTok account a few years ago. I’m not even joking. I learned about it from an OBGYN, who is considered to be like, the only expert in the world on menopause and perimenopause. I didn’t know about this potentially 10-year period of my adult life, where my body would go bonkers, essentially propelling me into puberty 2.0. I didn’t know that perimenopause came before menopause, and could cause irregular periods, yet maintain fertility, and could lead to accidental pregnancy, resulting in a baby being born on your 40th birthday. Okay, that was oddly specific, but I’m hoping you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
No one told me about the 34 symptoms of perimenopause. Are you kidding me? 34 symptoms?!
Hot flashes
Night sweats
Irregular periods
Mood changes
Breast soreness
Decreased libido
Vaginal dryness
Headaches
Tingling extremities
Burning mouth
Changes in taste
Fatigue
Bloating
Other digestive changes
Joint pain
Muscle tension and aches
Electric shock sensations
Itchiness
Sleep disturbance
Difficulty concentrating
Memory lapses
Thinning hair
Brittle nails
Weight gain
Stress incontinence
Dizzy spells
Allergies
Osteoporosis
Irregular heartbeat
Body odor
Irritability
Depression'
Anxiety
Panic disorder
In my opinion, the trickiest part of perimenopause is that the symptoms are so vast.
Fatigue? Could be perimenopause, could be life.
Weight gain? Could be perimenopause, could be wine.
Allergies? Could be perimenopause, could be pollen.
Irritability? Could be perimenopause, could just be my personality.
My personal favorites include hot flashes, night sweats, headaches, bloating, body odor, increased depression and anxiety…as if I needed that to worsen. There is just not enough Lexapro on the planet. And while I don’t have breast soreness, I have grown two entire cup sizes in the last year. TWO ENTIRE CUP SIZES. When I look in the mirror, regardless of the bra I’m wearing, all I see is boobs. I’m like my very own Playboy centerfold every time I change my clothes. They’re like the googly eyes on stuffed animals, just looking around, all willy nilly. But wait, there’s more! As someone who has spent most of her life as part of the itty-bitty-titty-committee, I have absolutely no idea about how to select an appropriately fitting bra. On our most recent trip to visit my parents, my mother had to do it for me. I’m 44…going on 12.
But my all-time favorite is the acne…which I treat alongside the fine lines and wrinkles. And age spots. And sun damage. Oh, my.
So, here I am, treading water with my almost 12-year-old, in the land of puberty. We’re both sad for no reason. And tired. And achy. We both have constant body odor, despite regular bathing and an arsenal of pit products in our bathrooms. We want to be left alone. We can’t sleep. We both follow our prescription-only acne regimens from Apostrophe. My customized concoction contains tretinoin, niacinamide, spironolactone, and clindamycin. (If you don’t know about online dermatology compounding pharmacies, you need to know!) And it’s bullshit. All of it is such bullshit.
And speaking of bullshit, here’s more. Isn’t it interesting, given today’s political climate regarding reproductive rights, that I was only provided information about my body to the point where it became capable of growing a life? I never thought about this before. My mind is kind of blown. The public school health curriculum, much like society, has no use for a woman beyond her child-bearing years. It’s like we’re invisible. Actually, not invisible. We’re still completely visible, but only through the lens of criticizing our appearances and commenting on how we’ve let ourselves go. Maybe a better word is negligible. So negligible, in fact, that we don’t get to learn about, or make decisions about, our own bodies.
It’s so fucking irritating.
I decided this morning that I’m not putting up with this perimenopausal nonsense anymore. My research for this blog post led me to another online pharmacy called Winona. This one specializes in bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to treat perimenopause and menopause symptoms. You might ask why I wouldn’t just talk to my primary care provider about this. Well, to start, she’s on maternity leave for the next three months. Secondly, most medical providers receive very little training about treating perimenopause and menopause. The doctors associated with Winona specialize in this area of women’s health.
My prescription HRT is in the mail as we speak. If I remember, I’ll check back in about this in a few months. But as we all know, memory lapses are part of perimenopause, so if I forget, blame my hormones. ❤
