No. No way. Nope. Absolutely not.
**I started this blog a few weeks ago, but never got around to finishing.**
My almost-11-year-old, sweetie boy/raging hormone monster/walking attitude was fortunate enough to have his braces removed in early July, after only six months. His teeth needed a little help making room for an adult canine tooth, which came out waaaaaaaaay too early, following an eventful car ride that included chewing on a seat belt when he was five-years-old.
Today, we returned to the orthodontist’s office to pick up the new retainer.
As we walked to the car after the appointment, I told Max I was proud of him. Over the course of his braces, without fail, Dr. Walsh informed Max at every.single.visit that he was doing a great job keeping his teeth and braces clean. If you know my kid, you know that this is a really big deal. Personal hygiene is not exactly his priority. He then asked me to take him to McDonald’s as a reward. I said no.
“That’s not fair!”
“Why not?”
“You just said that I did a good job!”
I explained that it was a work day and I needed to get back to my home office. I explained that I just went to Trader Joe’s yesterday and we had plenty of lunch options at home. (And then I asked why he hadn’t eaten lunch yet when it was approximately 2pm.) Finally, I explained that it is unreasonable to expect a reward for meeting basic expectations.
He pouted. I pondered.
You see, just yesterday, while en route to Trader Joe’s, I listened to a Dr. Becky podcast about parenting tweens. (In my experience, it’s super fucking annoying and filled with conversations like the one I just wrote about.) According to the Apple Podcast notes, the episode is about “difficult peer dynamics and the foundational skills kids need to navigate issues like consent, harassment, and belonging.” There was discussion about unrequited love and how it relates to consent. And how part of understanding consent is learning to hear the word “no” when you want to hear the word “yes.”
To me, the most important part of the entire conversation was this single line:
A child must learn to hear “no” from parents so he/she/they can be prepared to hear “no” from other people.
Mind blown.
So when I say no, it’s not just about:
not wanting to spend money on an expensive pair of shoes that won’t fit in 10 minutes;
not wanting more plastic toy crap in my house;
not wanting tooth enamel eaten entirely away by sugar;
not wanting to deal with whiny, overtired children; or
not ruining dinner with DoorDash McDonald’s two hours before our meal.
It’s not even about trying to avoid bratty, entitled offspring. It’s about so much more than that. It’s about keeping our kids from becoming entitled dicks. And in my humble opinion, based on a handful of recent experiences Max has shared with me, more parents need to focus on “dick avoidance.” I know it’s a big focus of mine. Interpret that however you’d like. 😉 It’s important to note that I recognize that all people have dick moments. That’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about the all-dick-all-the-time folks. You dig? Here’s an example of what I mean.
Max’s club lacrosse team uses an app for communicating schedules and roster information, and to connect with coaches. It also provides a chat function. Last week, a handful of parents let their dick flags fly when they started a chat criticizing the coaching. (These are the very same parents who coach their kids from the sidelines during games, force them to practice between games on sweltering tournament weekends, and can be heard discussing the likelihood of eventual D1 lacrosse scholarships for their current 11-year-olds. I wish I was making this up. But I digress.) Yes, the coaches could see the conversation. The parents were questioning the defensive formation used in games and complaining that their kids had to run laps for not listening during practice. Mind you, these coaches are babies. I’m fairly certain they are both current college lacrosse players. This entire exchange is disgusting for multiple reasons:
Parents should parent. Coaches should coach. I’m unclear on why this handful of parents felt entitled to criticize and instruct the coaches on how to do their jobs. It’s like if the coaches popped over after school to criticize how often parents raise their voices during the dinner-bath-bedtime sprint each evening.
Let’s, for a quick second, put aside the issue that this conversation never should have happened in the first place. Under no circumstances should a conversation like this ever happen in writing. If these parents felt so strongly that the coaches simply had to be apprised of this important information, the conversation should have taken place in person.
Players need to listen to their coaches. If players are fooling around during practice and distracting from play, those players absolutely should run laps. My kid is included in this. Disrespectful behavior is not acceptable and absolutely should have consequences. The fact that these parents voiced dissatisfaction over this principle is confusing to me.
Hubs and I were incredibly disheartened by the chat-gate. We felt irritated by the parents and we felt sorry for the coaches. Like I said, they’re babies. They probably don’t have a ton of coaching experience. And they probably are not super skilled at dealing with over-bearing dick parents who are raising disrespectful dick kids. Hubs and I both reached out to the coaches to thank them for their dedication and to tell them we appreciate them. Just because a voice is loud does not mean we should listen, you know?
Here’s the rub. Dick kids become dick adults that raise dick kids. It continues on in perpetuity. Both dick kids and dick adults are unpleasant to be around. Eventually they do things like become Senate Republican Leader or launch penis-shaped rockets into space. Dick adults are not good for the planet.
Now, do I think I’m an amazing parent who does everything correctly? Nope.
Are my kids perfect angels, who never behave like dicks? Certainly not.
Am I a perfect angel, who never behaves like a dick? Uh, no.
Am I offering up parenting advice? I am not.
Have I experienced a dick or two in my life? 😉 Absolutely.
Would I like to avoid future dicks of America? For sure. Here’s how we do it folks. Say no to dicks. Just say no. Remember D.A.R.E.? Drug Abuse Resistance Education? How about we rebrand? Dick Avoidance Respect Encouraged. No. Dick Avoidance Repeat No.
D.A.R.N.
I’m open to other ideas. 🖤
