And He Didn’t Even Spell It Right!
I received an email from Max’s school district last week advertising an upcoming evening webinar with an internet safety expert. Because I am annoyingly vigilant about things like this, I registered. Part of the registration process included answering two questions:
On a scale of 1-5 (5 being very comfortable), how comfortable are you talking to your child about internet safety?
On a scale of 1-5 (5 being being well-informed), how much do you know about internet safety?
I selected 4 for both questions. As I mentioned before, I’m incredibly vigilant about things like this. Some of my knowledge has come from the past 15+ years of working with UNH IT. The other part was learned the hard way.
Max has had an iPad since he was about 3, a hand-me-down clunker that allowed him to watch YouTube kids and play some preschool games. Those were the days of Peppa Pig, Pokemon, and Hungry Shark Evolution. Then he discovered the internet. We continued to coast for awhile, and I would periodically check his search history and look for anything he may have downloaded on his own. But then came the day when I discovered these three words: “WWE boobs naked.” I clicked on that particular search entry and was immediately transported to photos of female WWE wrestlers, and just below those photos were links for various porn sites. And that was the day I researched the shit out of setting up a child’s Apple ID. I think Max was 6.
Now, let me start by saying that I found boob gate to be wildly amusing. It’s natural for kids to be curious about body parts. I wasn’t even a little bit angry. I did feel a little sad. It was one of those developmental milestones that led to an emotional time travel back to newborn days. I also felt a little afraid. Mama bears yearn to keep their kids safe from every threat that life could possible present. It can be really hard to protect your child from something you cannot see.
So I whipped myself into action. I began thinking of this moment as 1) a wake up call to get my act together to set some content parameters, and 2) an opportunity to talk to Max about being safe in this constantly-evolving digital age. It’s not just about internet access. It’s also about apps, and photos, and social media, and video games, and probably lots of other things I’m not thinking about at this moment…or things I don’t know about YET.
Here’s what hubs and I have done and continue to do:
Created an Apple account for Max.
Reviewed all the settings on his devices and set parental controls for internet searches, YouTube, app downloads, blah blah blah.
Talked with Max about creepy weirdos that prey on kids online and explained the idea of “identifiable information,” like where we live.
Explained that the internet is filled with all sorts of things, and a whole lot of it is not appropriate for kids.
Explained that just because something is on the internet does not make it true.
Discussed the “WWE boobs naked” search and informed Max that if he is curious about body parts, we could do some research together.
Encouraged Max to ask us questions about everything and anything.
After discovering a dick pic on Max’s iPad and panicking that he may have sent it to some creepy weirdo online (which he didn’t), we talked about not taking photos or private parts.
Denied access to social media. Max has since been allowed to set up a limited access TikTok account that is linked to my Tiktok account. He will not be allowed any other social media accounts until we are 100% sure he is no longer inclined to take dick pics. His YouTube and Play Station accounts are shared with hubs.
I follow all of his friends on TikTok. If ever there was a genre of videos that is not for me, it is this specific selection of videos created by 10 and 11-year-old boys.
I check his text messages and internet search history at least weekly. Texts between 10 and 11-year-old boys are as annoying as the videos they create.
I don’t know if this has been the right approach. I know that it makes hubs and me feel better about the use of technology in our house. I think that it has created space for openness regarding Max’s curiosities. Occasionally, he will come to me, on the verge of tears, and tell me that he searched for nudey pics, or something along those lines. He tattles on himself. I hug him and tell him that I appreciate his honesty. Then I tell him that I will find him some resources to answer any questions he has.
This tattle goes beyond just himself. He also very much likes to tattle on his friends. At the start of the school year, he came from school vibrating with excitement over an incident on the bus. He told me he had been sitting with his friend, Aidan*, and together they were looking at Aidan’s phone. Max decided that despite the potential invasion of privacy, he simply had to know what was in Aidan’s search history. There, he saw eight separate spelling attempts of the word “vagina.” The fact that Aidan had searched for images of vaginas was not Max’s problem. It’s that “he didn’t even spell it right, Mom!”
And that is how we nicknamed this particular child “Vagina Aidan.” Appropriate? Absolutely not. Hilarious? Yes.
♥
* This name has been changed for privacy.
