Honey Badger Don’t Care
When Max was two-and-a-half years old, he came home from school one winter day, completely out of the blue, and announced that he no longer wore diapers.
Hubs and I looked quizzically at each other. Could potty training really be this easy? Was our kid some sort of savant? Had we mastered parenting?! We now know that the answer to all of those questions is no. And how do we know? Well, we have been working on potty training Luke for approximately 16 months. The issue? Honey badger don’t care.
I know what you’re thinking. Did we start potty training too early? We did not. His teachers, the masters of potty training, encouraged us to begin. Since spring of 2021, when outside, our young gentleman friend has been able to recognize when he has to pee, only to drop his trousers and pee (with tremendous force and accuracy) on or in bushes, flowers, furniture, toys, the pool, the front steps, the deck, tires on my car, stone walls, the basketball hoop, his bike, the well pump, the propane tank, the fence, and probably many more things than I am remembering. But pee on the potty? Nope. Not until a few months ago. Honey badger was content to sit in a soggy diaper all day if it meant he could keep digging in his sandbox. I’m unclear on the deciding factor that convinced him to try indoor plumbing.
Don’t get me started on the poop struggle. Okay, fine. I’ll tell you. As with peeing, HB is able to recognize when he has to poop. In past months, he has hidden behind the couch, on the screen porch, or in closets so he could poop in his undies with privacy. He has even gone outside to poop in the front yard…in full view of any passersby on the street. But poop on the potty? Nope. Shall I tell you what helped him change his crazy ways? A new classroom port-o-potty. That man loves himself a port-o-potty. I’m pretty sure the dirtiness of said port-o-potty directly correlates with his love for it. Bonus points if it’s as hot as the surface of the sun. He recently began pooping (indoors) at home…but only because I bribe him with toys. Nothing significant. Small figurines. Match Box cars or trucks. Tiny plastic dinosaurs. But there’s a reason why parenting experts don’t recommend bribery. Now HB expects a toy every time he drops the kids off at the pool. I’m somewhat worried he’ll be a 30-year-old man calling me to request I pop a nip of Fire Ball or a crisp $5 in the mail as a reward for doing the deed. I’m unclear on how I’ll get myself out of this jam.
I’m sure I’m not the only mama who reflects on just how different her kids are from each other. My sweet and gentle Max potty trained himself. He’s thoughtful and kind. He’s risk-averse. He’s a rule-follower. Luke can be sweet and gentle, but don’t be fooled. He’ll scratch your face off if you steal popcorn from his bowl without asking. He can climb the kitchen spice rack like a ladder and has been able to light burners on the stove since he was a year old. He has mastered jumping off of the Wiswall Road Bridge, down the street from our house, which is at least an 8-10 foot drop into the river below. In the future, when Luke is arrested for public indecency or running an underground gambling ring, he will use his one phone call to reach Max, who will sweet talk the police officers to release him from custody.
It’s pretty common for the second-born kiddos to be wild ones. There’s a whole genre of TikTok dedicated to it…and probably lots of parenting books to read and seminars to attend. I found a book on Amazon, called Second Born Lunatics: Hot Tips for Keeping Your Second Born Child Out of Prison, and it does not disappoint. It’s full of useful advice, such as:
Tip #8: The average second born as the energy level of a high ranking Navy Seal. If these energy reserves aren’t used by bedtime, they will be directed toward pets, drapes, other children, and your face.
Tip #10: Arguing is like a verbal obstacle course for second borns. Set a five minute time limit.
Tip #15: Second born children are natural leaders who take a dictator approach to friendship.
Tip #24: Don’t take their insults personally.
And finally:
Tip #5: Don’t make them a middle child.
because
Tip #7: Understand that any children born after the second born now work for the second born.
Consider yourself warned. ❤️
